Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Modern-Aged Politico (2016 Vintage)

I am the very model of a modern-aged politico,
I speak a bit of James Monroe, and even Edgar Allan Poe;
The capitals of fifty states, I say with braggadocio
There’s Austin, Juneau, Baton Rouge and even Sacramentio.
I'm very well acquainted, too, with euros and the yen,
I understand how tax cuts will lead to greater Zen.
On Legislative omnibus, I have a lot of news,
And how to get through filibuster with just a little snooze.

I'm happy to say fibs for cash, it’s simple two plus two;
You do for me, you write a check, be sure I’ll do for you.
In short, in matters incognito, pianissimo, and Pinocchio,
I am the very model of a modern-aged politico.

I praise our mythic history, King Ronnie and Sir Ted,
I fear them both too liberal, but also very dead.
No Maynard Keynes or Galbraith, it’s Smith and Hayek pure.
Incentivize the job creators, of that I’m very sure.
I know Beretta from a Browning, a Ruger from a Glock,
My screen most fixed on Rush or Sean, I’m sure that’s not a shock.
When chance I turn to Maddow, yes, I shudder and I shake,
But secretly like Bernie—maybe he’s the vampire stake?

My heart is pure, I’m clear of sight, I find the open mike;
On social things I have no peer, no sin I don’t dislike.
In short, in matters embryo, peccadillo and falsetto,
I am the very model of a modern-aged politico.

In fact, I know that Zanzibar is very close to Minsk
And Putin tall and handsome, just like a Disney prince.
In healthcare yes I kept my Doc, I didn't have to pay,
But I’m a famous Senator, watch what I do, not what I say.
On borders, true, I like them firm, barbed wire on the top,
No amnesty for you, my friend, except to pick the crop.
Climate change I chance erupt, stick finger in the air,
Declaring I’ve got frostbite, you must be mad to care.

As all can see, I’m just like you, no distance on my flank.
My principles are yours, I pledge, you take that to the bank.
In short, in matters of the gut, it’s all simpatico,
I am the very model of a modern-aged politico.

In Iowa I love the corn, agricultural and rhetorical
In ‘Hampshire independence reigns, and I get all historical.
Should Charleston show the Stars and Bars, I won’t be very critical
Nevada’s got sand, and craps, and a lot of Sheldon Adelson.
On Super Tuesday I’ll take to wing, Virginia, Minnesota, N. Dakota and Vermont,
South to Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas, of that you have no doubt.
Then there’s Colorado, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Wyoming, oh my head will spin.
Maybe I’ll skip Alaska and Boston, where I have no chance to win.

By now, I think I’ve shown you why I should be your President
I’ll even promise not to like a single DC resident.
I say without bravado that you’ll find no finer virtuoso
I am the very model of a modern-aged politico.

I wish you all a Happy New Year.

Michael Liss (Moderate Moderator)

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